The Great Thing About Being an American is…………….

How about we start a new political party?  Let’s call it the “Leave Me The Fuck Alone” party.  It would be great – and it would sell.  Imagine people running for political office on a platform that basically says “we don’t want to mess with you”?

The great thing about being an American (arguably the single greatest thing) is this: You can tell pretty much anyone to fuck off – pretty much any time – starting at about age 9.  And that is exactly how it should be.

When I was in the 8th grade, I had a P.E. teacher that was rather impressed with his notion of his own importance, and his authority.  8th grade – what – I was like 14?  He was a big fan of baseball – so one day he had us out in a driving rainstorm in shorts and t-shirts to play – fucking baseball of course.  I and another student walked off the field that particular day – we went and showered and dressed and went to our next class.  The next day, he called us out for “skipping” class.  Of course, we hadn’t skipped class – his or any others – we simply decided not to stand in the outfield in a cold rainstorm for no reason.

Well – needless to say – he was incensed.  The next day he called us into his office and informed us that we had a “hack” coming.  He had a hockey stick in his hand – told us both to turn around and bend over.

I don’t think I’m particularly unique as an American when I say that I have a few objections so someone hitting me in the ass with a board.  Particularly when that someone is a state employee and there has been no due process.  But then again, I was only 14 – so…………


Hot tip for state employees – and teachers in particular – don’t go around thinking you can hit people with a wood stick = it isn’t seemly – JS.

My co-conspirator must have feared his parents more that he feared the P.E. teacher.  He “took the hack.”  I didn’t.

I’m not going to claim that I was polite, let alone particularly eloquent, but I informed the P.E. teacher that his plan for me wasn’t going to materialize.  I told him I would not bend over, I would not “take” a hack, and I would not allow anyone to hit me with a hockey stick – ever – under any circumstances.  I also informed him that if he DID manage to hit me with a board, I’d retaliate and hit him with a board – although I qualified that with the fact that I would not be so polite as to announce it in advance (he might get a 2X4 in the forehead at any time – from anywhere – hey – you never know).  A thinking person would conclude, obviously, that there really wasn’t much of a percentage in hitting me with a board.  And, to his credit, this dipshit saw that.

  So he referred me to the vice principal.  The vice principle called my parents in for a “conference” and ultimately concluded that equal force laws were on my side and hitting me with a hockey stick was probably not going to work in his (or the school’s) favor.   I got a three-day vacation.  I also got “excused” from P.E. (win – win!).

The moral of the story is, if you are an American, please feel free to tell anyone you must to fuck off.  You may have to face some consequences, but trust me, it’s worth it.

I think if there was a political party here in the U.S. that embraced “leave me the fuck alone” as a major campaign plank, they might get some traction – I don’t know – just thinking out loud.


Please check out my website  Please check out “The Group” for RSS feeds to some of my favorite writers and podcasters.  Thank you for reading!

Leave a Reply